With friends like these
by Alias-vendor
Summary: Wesley & David's comprehensive guide to the faults and failings of Blaine Anderson: For Kurt Hummel's eyes ONLY.
1. Chapter 1

"We have compiled a list of Blaine's faults for your perusal," Wesley informed Kurt as he gingerly lowered himself into the chair opposite the somewhat bewildered soprano.

"It's a comprehensive guide to his failings," David added helpfully as he pushed the list across the table, watching as it skidded to a halt mere millimetres from the other's hand.

Kurt blinked and then frowned slightly, "and why," he raised an elegant brow, "would you do this?"

"Standard procedure," Wesley answered easily.

"We need to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into," David explained with a cryptic sideways glance at Wes.

Kurt eyed the bold print, size 42 title, '_Wesley & David's comprehensive guide to the faults and failings of Blaine Anderson'_

"Uh huh," he remarked slowly, "and what is it, exactly, that I'm getting myself into?"

"If you would read the document..." Wes suggested, extending a hand to tap the aforementioned item lightly.

"I mean," Kurt clarified, brow creasing, "why would you think I'd need such a...guide?"

Wesley sighed and opened his mouth to respond, then closed it with an audible snap as David beat him to the punch.

"You want to date Blaine, right?" He shot an apologetic glance at Wes who folded his arms in response.

"No!"Kurt denied instinctively, "I mean yes! Well, not really no..." he floundered under the guardedly amused gazes.

"...so," David cut across his panicked babble, "knowing Blaine and his...quirks, as we do, Wesley and I realised the importance of such a guide if any relationship between the two of you were to succeed."

"But why..?" Kurt flicked his eyes back down to the list in astonishment as he scrambled to understand the true meaning behind the disinterest conveyed by the formality of the delivery.

"We have a vested interest in the success of such an endeavour," Wes leaned forward slightly and pushed the paper just a little closer to Kurt, his message clear.

"Oh," Kurt felt a smile worm its way onto his face as a warm feeling flooded his chest. In their own weird and eccentric way, Wes and David were essentially telling him that they approved of him, that they _liked_ him, even.

But what did it matter? It wasn't as if _Blaine_ wanted to date _him_.

"Is something the matter?" Wes stifled an irritated sigh at the glazed look in Kurt's eyes. All that work compiling an incredibly detailed list and the boy wouldn't even read it.

"...oh sorry," Kurt refocused and raised his head to meet Wes's eyes, "I'm fine. Listen, thanks for the list but I really don't think it's-"

"Just read it," David insisted.

_What the hell._

"...okay," Kurt conceded and picked the list up, skimming his thumb along the side to flip the title page over. His eyes fell immediately on the first line.

'_For Kurt Hummel's eyes ONLY_. _If anyone other than the aforementioned is found bearing this paper on their person, immediate and unrestricted action WILL be undertaken in order to retrieve said paper wherein the illegal bearer will be subjected to extreme and unmitigated punishment, having surrendered all basic human rights upon the illegitimate possession of this important document._

Kurt blinked and worked hard to stifle the burst of laughter that threatened to overwhelm him. Sometimes he really, really, wondered about Wes and David. Often, he felt as if the boring, formal, prep-school boy persona was simply an act, and that both were hiding extremely mischievous, and humorous, personalities beneath their stern exteriors. He flicked his eyes up to see them watching him, blatant curiosity running rampant across their usually tightly controlled expressions.

He read further.

'_The following reads, in list format, as a compilation of Blaine Anderson's most grating faults and failings in no particular order.'_

In no particular order? How unlike them... 

'_Item #1: Sings Disney in the shower. Detailed breakdown: Subject, upon entering the shower, bursts into loud, uncontrolled, renditions of various obscure and/or well known Disney songs with unabashed usage of falsetto. Subject also displays a blatant disregard for the sanity and health of his roommate's ear drums when said disturbances occur.'_

Kurt grinned, Blaine sung _Disney_ in the _shower_? How absolutely, endearingly...cute.

"Wesley, I do believe he's _grinning_." David announced, slightly affronted.

"This, sir, is no laughing matter." Wes informed Kurt sternly, "I thank you to show our hard work the proper respect and solemnity it deserves."

"Of course," Kurt stifled his grin, schooling his features into neutrality, "forgive me a moment's digression."

Good lord, he was learning to talk like them.

"Accepted," Wesley nodded, "do read on."

'_Item #2: Displays indifference towards the proper usage of numerous items of furniture. Detailed breakdown: Subject consistently refuses to adhere to the fixed-functionality bias, insisting upon treating certain objects of furniture in unacceptable ways. Subject typically stores various items of clothing under his bed and/or is content to use the floor as his own personal hamper. Potential roommates and/or partners are advised to beware of hazardous articles. Subject is known also to misplace his hair-gel appallingly frequently, and it is advisable to prepare oneself for the frantic search typically taking place every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.'_

This time Kurt simply couldn't contain his laughter at the scene he envisaged. Blaine, ridiculously cute in some kind of form-fitting sweater, frantically searching the room for his mislaid hair-gel, with unkempt curls bouncing adorably around his face, tripping unceremoniously on various piles of clothing strewn haphazardly around the room...gosh he wished it was real...and that he had a camera.

Maybe it was...

"Is this true?" He asked Wes eagerly.

"Of course," Wes answered, affronted, "do you doubt our integrity?"

"No, no, not at all," Kurt waved the accusation away hurriedly, "it's just so...unbelievably cute."

"Cute?" David grimaced, appalled, "Please enlighten me as to what one would find 'cute' about such blatantly aggravating flaws?"

"Oh come on guys," Kurt grinned, "you're not serious?"

Apparently, they were.

"You mock us," Wes accused and made as if to snatch the list from Kurt's hands.

"No!' Kurt clutched it possessively, "It's great, really."

"Blaine," David hissed before straightening and flashing a bright smile, "Blaine!" he said, louder, "we were just having an amicable lunch with Kurt, here."

"You were, were you?" Blaine, somewhere behind Kurt, sounded slightly suspicious. Kurt surreptitiously stuffed the paper into his satchel and turned slightly till Blaine's visage appeared in his peripherals.

"Just having a good old chat," Kurt chuckled nervously.

"...uh huh," Blaine slid into the seat beside him, eyebrows raised, "exchanging...stationary, were we?"

"Kurt asked me to look at his Spanish paper," Wesley countered smoothly.

"Wes, you don't _take_ Spanish," Blaine pointed out, more than a little suspicious as he watched Kurt squirm.

"Not _anymore,"_ David broke in, "but you used to, didn't you Wes?"

"Yes, junior year." Wes agreed.

Blaine narrowed his eyes as they roamed over his friend's innocent faces. He just _knew_ they were up to something. The question was what, and how it involved Kurt.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, faved, and/or alerted this story! If you hadn't guessed, it takes place after the last episode of Glee...

"Well we'd best be off," Wesley announced, sliding his chair back as he rose to his feet, "duties to attend to, and all that."

David looked confused but followed suit, "yes, much to do." He hurried after Wes, shooting one last, anxious, glance at Kurt to confirm he'd hidden the list.

Silence reigned supreme, its hollow tones deafening through the strained tension. Kurt shifted slightly and tapped the table nervously; he hadn't talked to Blaine since Rachel had kissed him unceremoniously at the coffee store...although their last real conversation had been the fight concerning Blaine's newfound sexuality crisis.

"Kurt, we need to talk." Blaine placed a hand lightly on his arm.

"Do we?" Kurt feigned ignorance, still somewhat stung by the whole episode. Sure, maybe he should've been just a tad more supportive but honestly, what did Blaine expect? Had he even _heard_ Kurt's embarrassing, unrequited, confession of love the other week? Maybe he could've dropped the 'not sure if I'm gay anymore' bombshell a little kinder, _knowing_ that his _gay_ best friend was in love with him? And then he had the gall to get all '_I'd say bye but I wouldn't want to make you angry'_ when Kurt had had the audacity to get slightly upset over his best friend, and crush, not only considering dating a _girl_, but Rachel _Berry_.

He was strongly considering adding 'callously tactless' to Blaine's list of faults and failings, only he had a sneaking suspicion it was probably already on there. He'd soon find out if Blaine would only leave him alone to stew.

Blaine sighed, "Look I'm sorry about last week," he began dark eyes intense with sincerity, "I was being a real douche, but your lack of support...stung." He shrugged lightly, "I guess I never considered how it would affect you."

Kurt surveyed the table, "you were right," he admitted finally, "I was just so, well, shocked." He turned his head to meet Blaine's eyes, "I look up to you, you know? You helped me through a really tough time and I guess I just thought of you as...somewhat invincible," he laughed self-deprecatingly, "and to find out that _you_, of all people, were looking for an...escape from it all..."

'_Not to mention I couldn't handle the thought of having another crush on a straight guy...especially one that __**was**__ gay.'_

"I wasn't," Blaine reassured him, "I just, I'd never had any real confirmation either way, you know? But now I do," he grinned and gestured to himself, "one-hundred percent gay."

Kurt just smiled sadly, it wasn't like the revelation really helped him – Blaine still wasn't interested in him, not in the way he wanted him to be.

"Hey, what's up with you today?" Blaine bumped shoulders with him, causing Kurt to smile ruefully.

"Oh nothing," he lied airily, but Blaine just narrowed his eyes.

"What did they say to you?"

"Who?" Kurt enquired innocently, rummaging around in his satchel to avoid the intensity of Blaine's gaze.

"Come on, you_ know_ who," Blaine snapped, exasperated.

"That time of the month, again?" Kurt asked irritably, "maybe you can let me know in advance next time, so I'm ready for Snappy Blaine."

"Snappy Blaine?" He raised an eyebrow, thoroughly distracted from his original question.

"I like to think of him as a tiny little turtle," Kurt informed him, pleased his evasion tactic had been successful, "with a great big, snappy, bite."

"Well sorry I have emotions," Blaine muttered, a frown evident on his features.

"Oh come on Blaine," Kurt pushed him lightly on the shoulder, "I'm just teasing, and you know I have a soft spot for turtles."

"Is that so?" The corner of his mouth twitched slightly.

"It is," Kurt dropped his elbows to the table and leant his face on his hands, "something to do with those sexy shells, I imagine." He nudged Blaine playfully.

"You," Blaine chuckled, "are ridiculously..." he trailed off, a slightly guilty expression flooding his face.

Ridiculously what? Smart? Witty? Random? He really, really, wanted to know.

"Ridiculously what?" He prompted, when Blaine seemed to content to leave it at that.

"Huh?" Blaine looked at him in confusion, "oh nothing," he patted him on the shoulder, "just ridiculous."

Kurt frowned; he hated it when Blaine did that.

"I'll see you at Warbler's practice," Blaine announced suddenly, "I have something I have to do..." He waved and then hurriedly jumped to his feet, and was off and out the door.

"...bye," Kurt addressed his retreating back.

He glanced around...he was alone. Perfect. He rummaged around in his satchel and pulled out the now slightly crinkled guide to Blaine's faults and failings. Settling it gingerly on the desk he flipped the front page over and let his eyes fall over the text.

"_Item #3: Is flamboyantly impulsive. Detailed breakdown: Subject is known to possess sporadic and flamboyant impulses and, quite frequently, indulges said impulses with little to no thought given to the results and/or consequences of such reckless desire. Potential partners"_

Kurt noticed they'd dropped the 'roommate' part.

"_...are advised never to mention wants and/or needs in subject's presence, as the vast majority of said impulses revolve around buying his friends (and/or partners) anything they are foolish enough to enlighten him as to their requirement. Of course, it is advisable to make use of this fault insomuch as it is profitable to do so."_

So basically they were telling him to milk Blaine for all he was worth. Nice to know.

His phone beeped. Fishing it out of his pocket he unlocked it and watched as the message appeared on the screen.

_Blaine._

_Got a surprise for you ;) After warblers... x_

Kurt blinked and glanced back at the list.

'_Flamboyantly impulsive...advised never to mention wants and/or needs...impulses revolve around buying his friends...anything'_

So what exactly had he mentioned he needed?

**Coming up next:**

"Oh _my_ _**god**_, you bought me _a turtle_!"

**Tune in next chapter for the rest!**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, faves etc. It's nice to feel loved

"_Item #4: Possesses an unbearably awful sense of humour. Detailed breakdown: Subject displays a constantly preposterously blatant appreciation for a type of humour better known to civilization as a lack thereof. Subject is commonly found laughing at jokes and/or supposedly humorous events that are, in fact, far less amusing, if indeed at all, than he mistakenly believes. Potential partners are advised simply to affect a tactical retreat in such situations, as subject is often dissuaded from sharing the aforementioned lack of humour with an empty room."_

"Oh there you are," a familiar voice interrupted his reading.

His head snapped up. Blaine.

"Hey," he surreptitiously folded the paper calmly and stashed it in his satchel, "you missed Warbler practice."

"Wes'll understand," Blaine said vaguely, hands clasped behind his back.

Kurt doubted that, but let it slide nonetheless, "where were you?"

"Nowhere special," Blaine hedged, shifting slightly on the spot.

Kurt eyed him suspiciously, "...and this surprise is...what exactly?"

Blaine's eyes lit up, "I think you're going to love it." He pulled a relatively innocuous box out from behind his back and handed it to Kurt.

"...thanks," Kurt surveyed it, noting the tiny holes that peppered the brown cardboard.

A sneaking suspicion wormed its way into his mind...he wouldn't, would he?

No way.

He was almost too afraid to look.

"Open it," Blaine suggested helpfully.

Kurt raised an eyebrow, "will something jump out at me?"

Blaine shrugged.

Kurt shook the box slightly and listened as something rustled.

"Ah-" Blaine reached out and stopped him, "don't do that."

Oh god.

"It's not alive, right?" Kurt almost pleaded, "please tell me it's not alive."

"Not for much longer," Blaine muttered.

"What?" Kurt's eyes widened, "what was that?"

"...your mind's starting to wander?" Blaine covered hastily, "just open it already."

So he did.

"Oh my god, you bought me _a turtle_!" Kurt stared, aghast, at the tiny reptile as it scurried around its cardboard cage.

Blaine shrugged.

"You can't just _buy_ people turtles, Blaine!" Kurt threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"Why not?" Blaine asked innocently, "Is there a law against it?"

"No, but-"Kurt began.

"Then I think you'll find," he grinned cheekily, "that I can. Besides, you said you liked them," he shrugged, "and that Pavarotti was lonely."

"I was speaking hypothetically!" Kurt's voice rose several notes and he clutched his satchel, fingers curling tight around the straps.

"How do you hypothetically like turtles?" Blaine petted the turtle on its shell, making little cooing noises.

"As in the cartoon versions are adorable," he briefly considered asking Blaine to get his sanity checked, "I didn't mean that I wanted a real, live, one."

"Oh, okay then," Blaine shrugged and picked the cage up, tucking it under his arm, "later, Kurt."

Kurt watched as Blaine sauntered towards the door, "wait, Blaine!"

"Yes?" Blaine spun elegantly on his heel and appraised Kurt with a raised brow.

"Where are you taking it?"

"To the toilet." Blaine made a face as if to say 'duh'.

"_Blaine Anderson!_" Kurt almost yelled, shocked, "you are _not_ going to flush that poor thing down the toilet."

"Why not?" Blaine tilted his head, surveying the fuming Kurt with amusement, "you don't want it."

"Yeah but that's...you can't just!" Kurt spluttered, "Blaine! Don't you move one more – stop!"

Blaine exited the room and continued down the hall, shoulders shaking lightly as he struggled to contain his laughter.

"Come back here," Kurt yelled, dropping his satchel on the seat before racing after his wayward friend, "Unhand that turtle you horrible excuse for a human being." He addressed Blaine's retreating back.

Blaine ignored him, simply walking a little faster.

"This is ridiculous," Kurt broke out into a full run, "could you please...just...stop."

Blaine schooled his features into disinterest, then stopped suddenly and turned around to wait for Kurt to catch up. He raised an eyebrow.

Kurt slowed to a walk, mind racing...how to get the turtle away from Blaine? He faked a stumble and, when Blaine moved to help him, snatched the box from his surprised hands and hugged it to his chest. He took a step backwards.

"I can't believe you would just..." Kurt trailed off when Blaine failed to restrain a loud guffaw, "oh you are _so_ evil."

Blaine shrugged, his eyes crinkling in amusement.

"That's not funny," Kurt protested grumpily.

"From where I'm standing? Priceless." Blaine teased, "Kurt Hummel sprints to save turtle," he punctuated each word with a wave of his hand indicating a news title.

"You, sir," Kurt sniffed, "are abominable."

"It's one of my many qualities," Blaine agreed, "so what're you going to call it?"

"Snappy B," Kurt shot back, "short for Snappy Blaine." He started walking, "I can't believe they were right..." he muttered under his breath.

"Can't believe who was right?" Blaine fell into step beside him, a curious expression on his face.

"No one," Kurt answered a little too quickly and walked faster.

Blaine was immediately suspicious. Wes and David were up to something, he could feel it in his bones. He was now certain it involved Kurt in some way, shape, or form...he just wasn't sure _how_. His mind drifted back to a conversation he'd had with them just shortly after his epic failure of a serenade at the Gap, right after Kurt had told him the news that had shocked him to his very core...

"_Blaine, I have to admit that I fail to see the problem." Wes leant back in his chair and folded his arms, fixing his gaze on the troubled teen across from him._

"_He told me he was in love with me," Blaine flicked his gaze to David, seated beside Wes, his expression appealing, "that he thought I was going to sing for __**him**_."

_David's face remained impassive as he addressed the other, "Your point being?"_

"_He shouldn't be!" _

"_Okay," Wes sighed, "let me get this straight; Kurt is in love with you."_

_Blaine nodded._

"_And you're fairly sure the feeling is mutual, correct?" _

_Blaine winced slightly but nodded again._

"_So really," Wes shot a sideways look at David, "the problem is a figment of your over productive imagination."_

_David nodded in agreement, "Wes is right, Blaine, there __**is**__ no problem."_

"_You're wrong," Blaine sighed, "the problem, is that I don't deserve him."_

"_Enlighten us," David waved ambiguously, "explain your reasoning."_

"_Right now he has this impression of me as some kind of hero," Blaine's voice was dark with self-loathing, "swooping in to save him from the big, bad, bullies."_

"_You did," Wes reminded him, "he came here because of you."_

"_And I hate myself for that," Blaine muttered then, louder, "but I'm not. If he only knew how cowardly and hypocritical..." he turned his head to the side, jaw clenched tightly._

"_We all have flaws, Blaine," David said gently, "what matters is that you helped him."_

"_He deserves someone better," he said stubbornly, "someone who isn't..."_

_Too afraid to be himself_

"_...me."_

_Wes and David shared a brief look before both nodded._

"_We accept," Wes announced, as Blaine's head shot up in confusion._

"_Accept what?"_

"_You believe Kurt will hate you if he knows your flaws, correct?" David asked, a knowing look on his face._

"_I know he will." Blaine sighed._

"_That," Wes stood up abruptly, "remains to be seen. Shall we?" He addressed David._

"_Absolutely," the other smiled, and the two headed off together leaving a dumfounded Blaine in their wake._

They wouldn't...would they?

Of course they would.

He was going to _kill_ them.

**Coming up next:**

"You actually _bought_ those pink sunglasses?"


End file.
